|
Tips in Behaviour Management:
Assertion is an interpersonal style,the way you deal with people all the time,and therfore it reflects how you think
about others. So,an important part of preparing yourself to be more assertive is to develop an assertive frame of mind. Responsible
assertion rests on two beliefs:
* Assertion,rather than submission,manipulation or aggression,leads to more satisfying and successful relationships and
so enriches your life.
* Everyone is entitled to act assertively and express his or her honest thoughts,feelings and beliefs.
Responsible assertion involves showing respect for the rights and feelings of others in the situation If you won't acknowledge
their thoughts or feelings as being valid for them,then you are assuming you have the right to tell others how to think and
feel If you won't listen to validate others,you can't expect them to do that for you.
There is a big difference between listening and hearing. Hearing is the involuntary process of a sound being received
by your ear and transmitted to your brain as nerve signals.
Listening is an active process of attending to and trying to understand what is being said.
Validating is a powerful technique for defusing conflict assertively. Validate the other person first,then have your
say.
You won't always understand why some one thinks or feels as she does and you don't need to. Its enough to show that you
understand how she thinks or feels.
Responsible assertion involves flexibility,choosing to assert yourself only when your personal rights are genuinely threatened,as
distinct from situations that are just not how you will like them to be. It means not being unnecessarily assertive and not
being overconscious of your rights.
When it's your turn to speak,make your initial response. Think: " Relax;I have a perfect right to think about this."
If someone else has trouble with that,that's his problem.
Think assertively: If the other person becomes upset or angry,say to yourself," Stay calm,I don't have to get upset.
If she wants to,that's her problem. If you become upset ot angry,say to yourself,"Relax;I', in control." Back it up with a
calming response. If you or someone else starts to wander off the topic or to introduce some other issue,say to yourself,"
Stick to the issue;don't get sidetracked," and then say,"I can see that (the new issue) is important to you,so let's discuss
it next,but first I would like to finish this ( the present issue .)
Later when you have time to yourself,review how your assertion went. Successful,means that you were able to stick to
being responsibly assertive,not whether you got anyone else to change his behaviour.
Being unsuccessful,means you were not able to stick to being assertive. At some point you became submissive or aggressive.
Try to identify that point,and what you did wrong. Imagine how you could have handled it assertively instead. Then get on
with life.Moping is a waste of time.
If you have strong feeling of any kind,you do not have a choice about whether you share them. Most feelings are expressed
involuntarily,in nonverbal cues such as the expression on your face,how you speak rather then what you say,and your body language.
Whether we like it or not,we give off the vibes and other people will read them and guess how we feel.
Your real choice is never "Will I share my feelings here ?" You should try to share your feelings openly and assertively,by
announcing them: "I feel worried about meeting these new people this evening." This open expression of your feelings is called
"leveling". It is all the more important if you are are tring to discuss something or solve a problem.
Unstated feeling s will interfere with,and perhaps completely block,any attempt at negotiation or problem-solving. The
rule of thumb is feelings first,problem-solving second. If your strong feelings have been triggered by the person you are
talking to,it's even more important that you deal with them first
Psychologists use a standard set of rules to decide what problems a person has. These rules are compiled in the Diagnostic
And Standard Manual,Fourth Edition ( 94 ).and are meant tp help in research and treatment. The idea is that correctly identifying
your problem allows you to select the most appropriate treatment.
The central feature of general anxiety is unrealistic and excessive anxiety because of lots of worrying. People with
this problem often describe themselves as "chronic worriers." To be a general anxiety problem,your worrying should be about
at least two major life areas. For example,one researcher found that people with general anxiety worried about similar common
areas: family,then money,then work and then about (possible ) illness. Others will worry about other life area. In fact,people
with general axiety tend to pick up on current issues in their lives and worry excessively about those,until something
else comes along to worry about.
This is different from the worrying that occurs in other anxiety problems,which tends to focus more narrowly and be more
anticipatory. for example,Some one with a social phobia will worry mostly about future social situations in which they expect
to fail. Some other one,will worry unnecessarily about illness,which they have no control over. We might worry about these
things,too,but only as a part of more general worrying,if we have a general axiety problem.
This excessive worrying needs to have been happening for some time,usually more than six months,to distinguish it from
the quite normal distress reaction everyone might have because of a disturbing life event. If our current anxiety is
probably a reaction to some recent crisis,being a victim of crime or accident,coping with greif,illness,or any big upheaval
in life,then the problem is more likely to be a crisis reaction.
People with general anxiety problems usually show a number of physical symptoms as well,such as, trembling, twitching,
feeling shaky,muscle tension (which may cause aches or soreness ), restlessness, or fatigue.
They usually show signs of increased biological arousal,such as,feeling short of breath,as if being smothered,heart
palpitations, sweating, clammy hands,dry mouth,dizziness,felling light-headed,nausea,diarrhea or in some women,hot flashes,chills,frequent
urination,trouble swallowing or a "lump in the throat."
General anxiety often includes being overly alert,such as feeling worked up or on edge,being easily startled,having difficulty
concentrating,disturbed sleep and irritability. To be sure one has a general anxiety problem,rule out the possibility that
their anxiety problem are due to a physical problem. For example,problems with one's thyroid gland or drinking too much caffeine
can cause many of these symptoms. when we think the symptoms may be physically caused,get a check-up from the family physician.
People with general anxiety problems also may develop worry behaviours. These are behaviours that are meant to correct
or prevent what one worries about. for example,you may frequently phone your spouse or childre, to make sure they're OK,or
frequently check yourself for symptoms of illness. Making checks like these is, of course, sometimes appropriate,but
if you have a general anxiety problem,you will be doing them excessively.
In fact,some people perform their worry behaviours so much that they become like rituals that the person feels compelled
to go through. Their is a similarity between worry behaviours and the compulsive behaviour pattern. People with obsessive
compulsive problems use their compulsive behaviours to reduce the anxiety caused by their obsessive thoughts. Likewise,some
people with general anxiety problems use their worry behaviours to reduce the anxiety caused by their excessive worrying.
The problem in both cases is that the anxiety reduction is only temporary,and meanwhile the person is spending a lot
of time and energy on behaviour that is really part of the problem rather then the solution.
The drugs usually prescribed for general anxiety problems are the benzodiazepines,the antianxiety drugs. Using these
drugs for anxiety can cause major problems. These include the risk of side effects that are as much of a problem as,and sometimes
confused with,the original anxiety;the risk of physical addiction,making you vulnerable to serious withdrawal symptoms;and
the risk of psychological dependence, undermining your self-confidence and making you vulnerable to relapsing back into anxiety
when you stop taking the drug.
Research has shown that they offer only a small reduction in anxiety that lasts for only a few weeks. If benzodiazepines
are used at all ( a physicians or therapists possible choice ) to treat general anxiety,it should only be for a short time,during
a particular difficult period,and should be accompanied by anxiety management training.
There have been attempts to use other drugs,including some of the antidepressant drugs,to treat general anxiety. Overall
these have not been very successul,although some (such as buspirone ) do seem to reduce anxiety without some of the physicl
risks associated with benzodiazepines. Most therapists,generally,are skeptical.
Because the central feature of general anxiety problems is excessive worrying,the main focus focus of managing them should
be on changing the thinking habits One of the best ways is to start with changing negative thinking. Learning to relax is
also very important. You have to concentrate on the root of your problem ( symptom and cause)
Because worry behaviours are beeing used,to counter anxiety created by your own thoughts,you can use the same strategy
to eliminate them. This involves confronting your worries and preventing your worry behaviours
Write a list of your main,current worries,the things you presently worry about most. Arrange them in order of how anxiety
provoking they are for you. You should start by confronting the least worrying and work your way up. Can you already imagine
situations as though they were real ? Paint yourself a good,vivid mental picture ? If you can,skip it to the next step.
If not,practise this skill by imagining good,pleasant situations. Imagine what you would see,then what you would hear,then
what you would smell or taste,any feelings of touch or movement,and hw you will feel emotionally. Take your time to paint
the picture in detail,finally focusing on your feelings in that imanagined situation. Take as long as you need to become a
good imaginer.
Now,take the worry at the bottom of your list,the least anxiety-provoking one,and imagine it happening. You should try
to hold this image in your mind for at least 30 minutes,making it as vivid as possible,and imaging the worst possible outcome.
It is very important that you return to the exercise and keep working through your list of worries. Once you have imagined
the worst possible outcome of this worry, make yourself imagine some alternative outcomes.
If you have some trouble doing this plan,some constructive steps you could take about this worry,or realize that
it almost won't turn out as badly as you have been imagining. It can give you encouraging feedback to record what you worried
about,how vividly you could imagine it,what alternative constructive outcomes you could begin to imagine,and how anxious it
made you feel. It takes practise.
Now make a list of your common worry behaviours,those habits you have gotten into to try to deal with your worries. A
good guide can be other people's reactions. For example,does your family complain that you do too much checking by phone ?
Keep a record of your worry behaviours so that you have clearly identified them and the worries that prompt them. When you
are confronting your worries,following the steps above,or experiencing your worries at other times,it is important that you
now refrain from your worry behaviors. This will make you feel anxious at first.
Make a coping statement; I expect to feel anxious when I confront my worries and prevent myself from doing my worry behaviors,but
I'll cope; I won't try to deny my understandable anxiety nor to avoid my worries,but I also won't only think about how badly
they might turn out,because other outcomes are also possible;if this worry is something I can tackle constructively,I'll do
that now rather then just worrying about it;if there's nothing I can really do about this worry,at least now,then I'll find
something else to do that will occupy my mind plesantly or constructively. I'm not obligated to make myself anxious with unnecessary
worrying.
|