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Behaviour
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There are basically three ways of dealing with people in your life,three interpersonal styles: submission,aggression and assertion.
 
Being submissive means keeping your thoughts,opinions and feelings to yourself,not speaking up when you should,and allowing others to walk over you,to treat you unfairly or unkindly and to rip you off. The usual motivation for being submissive is a fear of the judgements or reactions of other people if you did speak up.
 
The submissive person expects to feel anxious if he speaks up and to feel bad if the other person reacts negatively,so he shuts up. Sometimes people are also submissive because they confuse it with being polite. In any case,the submissive person finally gives himself a poor deal.
 
He temporarily avoids the possible bad fellings from being assertive,but then pays a higher cost in terms of lost self-esteem,recognizing how he has let himself down. In the process,he has also let someone take away some of his personal rights,and may have set up a continuing pattern in which his rights will be violated again.
 
Aggression involves sticking up for yourself,asking for what you want and refusing what you don't want,but it means doing that in ways that show no regard for the feelings or rights of others. The affressive person is out to get her way,no matter what it costs anyone else. You may be surprised to hear that aggression,like submission,is also motivated by fear.
 
Aggressive people can look confident,as they come barging through life like a Sherman tank,but in fact they are often motivated by a fear of losing control of the situation. Despite noisy appearances,they may also be lacking in self-confidence that they believe the only way to stand up for themselves is to come on like a ton of bricks. In a desperate attempt to stick up for themselves,they try to walk over everbody else.
 
The other common motivation for being aggressive is that it seems to work,at least some of the time. You can scare some of the people some of the time. However,sometimes being aggressive will earn you a aggressive reaction in return and you wind up locked in a useless and unplesant conflict. Even when it seems to have got you your way,aggression costs.
 
Many people feel embarassed and guilty after an aggressive outburst. It also costs you in terms of damage to your relationships. No one likes or respects a bully. Some people will display both nonassertive styles at different times,because they are both actually based on a lack of real confidence.
 
These people will be submissive most of the time,bottling up more bad feelings because they have locked themselves into losing behaviour patterns,until the finally reach volcano point point and explode aggressively. Unfortunately this explosion is often directed at the wrong person.someone whom you feel less threatened by but who is not really responsible for your accumulated aggression.
 
Even if you are exploding at someone more appropriate,an aggressive expression of your feelings will have both of the negative costs just mentioned,to your self-esteem and your relationships. Although submission and aggression may have some short-term payoffs,by temporarily postponing bad feelings or sometimes getting what you want,in the long term they cost you much more than they gain and are not really successful.
 
Assertion means expressing your thoughts,opinions and feelings clearly,openly and non-defensively,and making requests and refusing unacceptable requests,but doing all that in ways that take reasonable account of the rights and feelings of other people.
 
The underlying motivation is to show respect both for yourself and others. More then anything else,assertion is an expression of self-confidence. "I know what I think or am prepared to accept and I am confident in my ability to stand up for for that,so I can afford to listen carefully to you."
 
It also involves realistic expectations about other people's likely reactions to your assertion and of your ability to cope with those reactions.
 
The big payoff for being assertive is to your self-esteem and your relationships. These are the main goals of being assertive. At the end of an assertive interaction with someone,you are able to say to yourself,"I'm pleased with how I handled that. I stood up for myself effectively,but I respected them,too."
 
Most ( but not all ) other people will recognize that your assertion shows real respect for them and will eventually respond with respect for you,making your relationships more successful.
 
In the orocess,you will have maximized your influence over the other people,but this is a secondary goal. Being assertive gives you your best chance of getting your way,most of the time,but it does not guarantee it.
 
You will meet some people who are rigid, inflixible, dishonest, unscrupulous  or just plain stubborn. You won't always get a fair deal from the world. Despite polular myths to the contrary,there are no methods for actually controlling other people's behaviour.
 
You can sometimes get the iillusion you are in control by  threatening people,but treats only work while you're watching and when the treat is big. Even then,people don't like being threatened and may deliberately do the opposite of what you want,as soon as your back is turned.
 
If you try to control others,you are only setting yourself up for conflict and disappointment. What you really have over other people is influence,not control. Being assertive will give you consistently more influence over others and that's all you need.

Tips in Behaviour Management:
 
Assertion is an interpersonal style,the way you deal with people all the time,and therfore it reflects how you think about others. So,an important part of preparing yourself to be more assertive is to develop an assertive frame of mind. Responsible assertion rests on two beliefs:
 
* Assertion,rather than submission,manipulation or aggression,leads to more satisfying and successful relationships and so enriches your life.
 
* Everyone is entitled to act assertively and express his or her honest thoughts,feelings and beliefs.
 
Responsible assertion involves showing respect for the rights and feelings of others in the situation If you won't acknowledge their thoughts or feelings as being valid for them,then you are assuming you have the right to tell others how to think and feel If you won't listen to validate others,you can't expect them to do that for you.
 
There is a big difference between listening and hearing. Hearing is the involuntary process of a sound being received by your ear and transmitted to your brain as nerve signals.
 
Listening is an active process of attending to and trying to understand what is being said.
 
Validating is a powerful technique for defusing conflict assertively. Validate the other person first,then have your say.
 
You won't always understand why some one thinks or feels as she does and you don't need to. Its enough to show that you understand how she thinks or feels.
 
Responsible assertion involves flexibility,choosing to assert yourself only when your personal rights are genuinely threatened,as distinct from situations that are just not how you will like them to be. It means not being unnecessarily assertive and not being overconscious of your rights.
 
When it's your turn to speak,make your initial response. Think: " Relax;I have a perfect right to think about this." If someone else has trouble with that,that's his problem.
 
Think assertively: If the other person becomes upset or angry,say to yourself," Stay calm,I don't have to get upset. If she wants to,that's her problem. If you become upset ot angry,say to yourself,"Relax;I', in control." Back it up with a calming response. If you or someone else starts to wander off the topic or to introduce some other issue,say to yourself," Stick to the issue;don't get sidetracked," and then say,"I can see that (the new issue) is important to you,so let's discuss it next,but first I would like to finish this ( the present issue .)
 
Later when you have time to yourself,review how your assertion went. Successful,means that you were able to stick to being responsibly assertive,not whether you got anyone else to change his behaviour.
 
Being unsuccessful,means you were not able to stick to being assertive. At some point you became submissive or aggressive. Try to identify that point,and what you did wrong. Imagine how you could have handled it assertively instead. Then get on with life.Moping is a waste of time.
 
If you have strong feeling of any kind,you do not have a choice about whether you share them. Most feelings are expressed involuntarily,in nonverbal cues such as the expression on your face,how you speak rather then what you say,and your body language. Whether we like it or not,we give off the vibes and other people will read them and guess how we feel.
 
Your real choice is never "Will I share my feelings here ?" You should try to share your feelings openly and assertively,by announcing them: "I feel worried about meeting these new people this evening." This open expression of your feelings is called "leveling". It is all the more important if you are are tring to discuss something or solve a problem.
 
Unstated feeling s will interfere with,and perhaps completely block,any attempt at negotiation or problem-solving. The rule of thumb is feelings first,problem-solving second. If your strong feelings have been triggered by the person you are talking to,it's even more important that you deal with them first

Psychologists use a standard set of rules to decide what problems a person has. These rules are compiled in the Diagnostic And Standard Manual,Fourth Edition ( 94 ).and are meant tp help in research and treatment. The idea is that correctly identifying your problem allows you to select the most appropriate treatment.
 
The central feature of general anxiety is unrealistic and excessive anxiety because of lots of worrying. People with this problem often describe themselves as "chronic worriers." To be a general anxiety problem,your worrying should be about at least two major life areas. For example,one researcher found that people with general anxiety worried about similar common areas: family,then money,then work and then about (possible ) illness. Others will worry about other life area. In fact,people with general axiety tend to pick up on  current issues in their lives and worry excessively about those,until something else comes along to worry about.
 
This is different from the worrying that occurs in other anxiety problems,which tends to focus more narrowly and be more anticipatory. for example,Some one with a social phobia will worry mostly about future social situations in which they expect to fail. Some other one,will worry unnecessarily about illness,which they have no control over. We might worry about these things,too,but only as a part of more general worrying,if we have a general axiety problem.
 
This excessive worrying needs to have been happening for some time,usually more than six months,to distinguish it from the quite normal distress reaction everyone might have because of a disturbing life event. If  our current anxiety is probably a reaction to some recent crisis,being a victim of crime or accident,coping with greif,illness,or any big upheaval in life,then the problem is more likely to be a crisis reaction.
 
People with general anxiety problems usually show a number of physical symptoms as well,such as, trembling, twitching,  feeling shaky,muscle tension (which may cause aches or soreness ), restlessness, or fatigue. 
 
They usually show signs of increased biological arousal,such as,feeling short of breath,as  if being smothered,heart palpitations, sweating, clammy hands,dry mouth,dizziness,felling light-headed,nausea,diarrhea or in some women,hot flashes,chills,frequent urination,trouble swallowing or a "lump in the throat."
 
General anxiety often includes being overly alert,such as feeling worked up or on edge,being easily startled,having difficulty concentrating,disturbed sleep and irritability. To be sure one has a general anxiety problem,rule out the possibility that their anxiety problem are due to a physical problem. For example,problems with one's thyroid gland or drinking too much caffeine can cause many of these symptoms. when we think the symptoms may be physically caused,get a check-up from the family physician.
 
People with general anxiety problems also may develop worry behaviours. These are behaviours that are meant to correct or prevent what one worries about. for example,you may frequently phone your spouse or childre, to make sure they're OK,or frequently check yourself for symptoms of illness. Making checks like these is, of course, sometimes  appropriate,but if you have a general anxiety problem,you will be doing them excessively.
 
In fact,some people perform their worry behaviours so much that they become like rituals that the person feels compelled to go through. Their is a similarity between worry behaviours and the compulsive behaviour pattern. People with obsessive compulsive problems use their compulsive behaviours to reduce the anxiety caused by their obsessive thoughts. Likewise,some people with general anxiety problems use their worry behaviours to reduce the anxiety caused by their excessive worrying.
 
The problem in both cases is that the anxiety reduction is only temporary,and meanwhile the person is spending a lot of time and energy on behaviour that is really part of the problem rather then the solution.

The drugs usually prescribed for general anxiety problems are the benzodiazepines,the antianxiety drugs. Using these drugs for anxiety can cause major problems. These include the risk of side effects that are as much of a problem as,and sometimes confused with,the original anxiety;the risk of physical addiction,making you vulnerable to serious withdrawal symptoms;and the risk of psychological dependence, undermining your self-confidence and making you vulnerable to relapsing back into anxiety when you stop taking the drug.
 
Research has shown that they offer only a small reduction in anxiety that lasts for only a few weeks. If benzodiazepines are used at all ( a physicians or therapists possible choice ) to treat general anxiety,it should only be for a short time,during a particular difficult period,and should be accompanied by anxiety management training.
 
There have been attempts to use other drugs,including some of the antidepressant drugs,to treat general anxiety. Overall these have not been very successul,although some (such as buspirone ) do seem to reduce anxiety without some of the physicl risks associated with benzodiazepines. Most therapists,generally,are skeptical.
 
Because the central feature of general anxiety problems is excessive worrying,the main focus focus of managing them should be on changing the thinking habits One of the best ways is to start with changing negative thinking. Learning to relax is also very important. You have to concentrate on the root of your problem ( symptom and cause)
 
Because worry behaviours  are beeing used,to counter anxiety created by your own thoughts,you can use the same strategy to eliminate them. This involves confronting your worries and preventing your worry behaviours
 
Write a list of your main,current worries,the things you presently worry about most. Arrange them in order of how anxiety provoking they are for you. You should start by confronting the least worrying and work your way up. Can you already imagine situations as though they were real ?  Paint yourself a good,vivid mental picture ? If you can,skip it to the next step. If not,practise this skill by imagining good,pleasant situations. Imagine what you would see,then what you would hear,then what you would smell or taste,any feelings of touch or movement,and hw you will feel emotionally. Take your time to paint the picture in detail,finally focusing on your feelings in that imanagined situation. Take as long as you need to become a good imaginer.
 
Now,take the worry at the bottom of your list,the least anxiety-provoking one,and imagine it happening. You should try to hold this image in your mind for at least 30 minutes,making it as vivid as possible,and imaging the worst possible outcome. It is very important that you return to the exercise and keep working through your list of worries. Once you have imagined the worst possible outcome of this worry, make yourself imagine some alternative outcomes.
 
If you have some trouble doing this plan,some constructive steps you could take about this worry,or realize that it almost won't turn out as badly as you have been imagining. It can give you encouraging feedback to record what you worried about,how vividly you could imagine it,what alternative constructive outcomes you could begin to imagine,and how anxious it made you feel. It takes practise.
 
Now make a list of your common worry behaviours,those habits you have gotten into to try to deal with your worries. A good guide can be other people's reactions. For example,does your family complain that you do too much checking by phone ? Keep a record of your worry behaviours so that you have clearly identified them and the worries that prompt them. When you are confronting your worries,following the steps above,or experiencing your worries at other times,it is important that you now refrain from your worry behaviors. This will make you feel anxious at first.
 
Make a coping statement; I expect to feel anxious when I confront my worries and prevent myself from doing my worry behaviors,but I'll cope; I won't try to deny my understandable anxiety nor to avoid my worries,but I also won't only think about how badly they might turn out,because other outcomes are also possible;if this worry is something I can tackle constructively,I'll do that now rather then just worrying about it;if there's nothing I can really do about this worry,at least now,then I'll find something else to do that will occupy my mind plesantly or constructively. I'm not obligated to make myself anxious with unnecessary worrying.